Handling Loss

[Outrider]

We lost my mother on New Year's Eve last year, unexpectedly. She had no particular medical worries, a slight slowing down brought about by age, although she was only 73. She went to sleep as normal, and when my Dad went to bring her tea in the morning she'd already gone - a massive heart attack as a result of completely asymptomatic hypertension. The funeral was last week - delayed by the time it took to complete the autopsy as it was deemed an 'unexplained' death.

Almost two months later, and I remain completely unphased by this; I'm profoundly troubled by the extent to which I'm completely untroubled by the fact that my mother's died. We weren't desperately close, but we were in no ways estranged, we visited with the kids at least once a month, normally a few times more than that.

I'm typically of the opinion that there are no 'bad' emotional responses, that our feelings are what they are in the moment, and it's more about how we respond to them that's within a degree of our control, but this complete lack of any emotional response is perturbing. Shouldn't there be something; I could understand anger, or relief... anything, really, would have something to look into, but ambivalence?

O.

[Aruntraveller]

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I don't think there any "right" answers here. It may be that you have rationalised & reasoned about death in such a way that it came as no great surprise or shock to you, even though it was unexpected.

Have you had anyone else close to you die and were your reactions different then?

I'm the complete opposite I fear, in that my mother who died in 2018, still leaves me with feelings that run very close to the surface.

It could be that you have some kind of delayed response going on.

I feel this strays into psychological territory on which I am no expert. If it really is concerning you then some kind of counselling might be helpful.

The only useful advice I have is to be kind to yourself. The mind is complicated, we all react differently and at different times. I'd give it awhile, yet.

[jeremyp]

Well I hope that it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, because I've had the same reaction (i.e. none) to the deaths of several family members. My maternal grandfather died when I was still a young teenager. He did have some health issues but he was still quite young (late 60's or early 70's) and I remember distinctly at the funeral my main reaction was one of shock and shame that I didn't feel anything. My guilt was amplified by the fact that, when my paternal grandmother died a couple of years previously, I was in pieces.

Since then I've lost several family members, but they were all in their 80's and 90's. In each case, I just accepted it as the natural end of a long and hopefully happy life - no other reaction at all. I've just accepted that that is the way I am.

[Enki]

Last week my wife and I went to three funerals in two days, all of people that were close to us, all of whom were in their 80s. My feelings were a mixture of concern for their partners and close relations mixed with a sense of celebration(I know it's a hackneyed word, but I find it appropriate) of their lives. For instance, one, Ken, was a former ABA boxer who later helped coach young boys, became a referee, went to various Commonwealth Games in that capacity,  met Mohammed Ali and had a marvelous full life. He was also a lovely dancer and had such a gentle personality. I don't have any feelings of regret at his passing at all, I simply look back at our times together with a great deal of pleasure and nostalgia.

[Gordon]

Sorry to hear of your loss, O.

I suspect there is no stock answer or response in these situations, and that individual circumstances and personalities all play their part - and it is still very recent. It may be that the delay between her death and her funeral is a factor - I had a similar delay to deal with following the death of my younger brother, so that by the time of his funeral the initial shock had dissipated a bit.   

[SusanDoris]

My sympathy. It can be considered nowadays  that such a death at 73 is too young, but in fact I was reading about the type of heart attack your mother had just a few days ago. You reacted in the way that was your way. I wouldn't be surprised if some little unexpected thing might trigger an emotional response, but if it doesn't you know you have had good contact and a good relationship with your mother and father. I have found that I tend to look at life's happenings with just a slightly more detached, slightly cooler stance, but we are all so different. It certainly doesn't mean that I did not care as much, it's just that I deal withh things in a different way.

I sometimes spend a thought or two on wondering how those who know and care for me will react when I die ... ...

 

[ad_orientem]

Sorry for your loss. When my brother died at the beginning of 2013 I initially coped with it quite well but it wasn't until months later that it really began to hit me. I ended up going to the doctor and that was the best decision I made. I'm not saying it will be like that for you or that you should see someone but emotional responses to these kind of things can be quite delayed.

[Nearly Sane]

Sorry for your loss. When my brother died at the beginning of 2013 I initially coped with it quite well but it wasn't until months later that it really began to hit me. I ended up going to the doctor and that was the best decision I made. I'm not saying it will be like that for you or that you should see someone but emotional responses to these kind of things can be quite delayed.

Great post