Intensive Parenting

[Sriram]

Hi everyone

Here is an article on 'Intensive Parenting' that is supposedly growing in Europe.

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20200225-the-parenting-style-sweeping-europe

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It’s generally acknowledged that raising a child has geographic variations.

Italian parents preferred their children to be even-tempered, well-balanced and “simpatico”. American parents, meanwhile, were more likely to want their child to be “intelligent” or “cognitively advanced”.

The US preference represents the shift that has taken place in the way American parents raise their children; the transition from the so-called latchkey kids of the 1980s to the helicoptered and hot-housed children of today. Parenting in European nations has traditionally been more relaxed, yet things are changing here too; more parents are adopting the kind of intensive parenting style common in the US.

Part of it may be down to fears of growing inequality, but the proliferation of expert advice may also be a factor. So where the US leads, will Europe follow? Is intensive parenting here to stay?

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Any views?

Sriram

[Roses]

I think one should adopt an approach which encourages one's children to do as well as they can academically, as well as trying to ensure their childhood is as enjoyable as possible. Our daughters did well academically, as well as enjoying the fun things too. However, I am so glad they grew up in the 70s/80s before the internet and mobile phones were the big thing in children's lives. My husband and I would have made ourselves high unpopular policing their use.

[Robbie]

I found the article very interesting, thanks Sririam, read it yesterday but wanted to respond when I'd thought about it a bit more. Can't sayI have yet  but will try to fashion a response and come back later if necessary.

However, simply, the type of parenting outlined is nothing new; I remember it amongst mine and my children's school friends; parents who push their children & at same time push themselves to high stress levels. Organising extra mural activities for several early evenings a week and at weekends, worrying if their children don't want to do them & looking around for something else in case they're perceived as wishy washy parents.

My view is that a laid back approach is best, led by the children's interests & needs. Of course we must encourage them to do their best and fulfill potential but not to the point that it stresses both child and parents. Children must feel free, not bound by too much routine or many rules and home, a relaxed, nurturing environment.

It's notable that many of the most intense parents have not been particularly high academic achievers; those who are have a more relaxed approach and are actually helpful to their children as well as having fun with them.

Sririam I didn't realise 'intensive parenting' was such a big thing now or even had a label until you posted. They need to chill out! There are so many teenagers who suffer anxiety and depression because of the pressure & the likelihood is they would do well without all of that.

[Roses]

We expected our children to obey certain rules we laid down and they were in bother if they didn't comply. I think too many parents these days don't monitor their children's behaviour.

[Sriram]

Yes...teaching a child how to manage its emotions is probably more important than focusing on intellectual development.  EQ is more important than IQ.

My children went to a school where I live, called The Valley School. Part of the J.Krishnamurthy Foundation. It was very different from other schools (more expensive also!).  It had a total of 300 students with just 20-30 in each class. Most schools in India have thousands.  They had no exams till the 8th standard. No home work. No ranking as first, second etc. Parent teacher meetings twice a year where the parents were told of the areas of concern, if any...but generally cool, relaxed and leisurely.

Children were taken for nature walks identifying birds and insects.  It had a forest area and a lake. Wild animals were common. Even leopard pug marks have been seen within the premises. Elephant herds could be heard just outside the school premises.

No uniform, they could wear whatever they wanted. Full lunch provided by the school in a dining area overlooking the lake. Great stuff!

Many people warned us that our children would become too laid back and would not be able to survive in the competitive world. Nothing of that kind happened. Both my children are doing very well in their careers and more importantly in their personal lives.

With this kind of free and nature bound schooling, they become more secure and less competitive. They learn to manage their emotions better and get their priorities in order. 

[ippy]

My wife has a saying that I cannot disagree with, it goes as follows:

'We're all experts on how others should be bringing up their children'.

ippy.

[Robbie]

Very true ippy (though can't say I've ever criticised another parent's 'parenting').

Parents in tune with their children's personalities and needs will go with their instincts, there are no hard and fast rules.

[jeremyp]

I recently saw a thread in another forum, I forget where (Facebook I think), in which some parents related a story about how a mother had been nursing her baby when  a disembodied voice suddenly said "where's the basely gone!" It turns out they had a baby monitor with a camera that had been pointing at the cot and somebody had clearly hacked it or the wireless network it was using.

The story was followed by lots of comments from other people who had suffered the same problem, including many whose children were no longer babies. Somebody even posted a still from the camera in their ten year old's room..

Eventually somebody said "I can't believe this discussion isn't about how creepy it is to put a camera in your children's room".

[Robbie]

Seriously creepy.

Sririam I really like the sound of the school your children went to. Wish there were more schools likeit.

[Outrider]

We have a baby monitor looking down at the 9-month old's cot - I don't hear well, so it's the only hope I have of know if the baby wakes.  When the oldest two were younger we had quite a small house, and the baby's room was directly above the living room, but now she's at the far end of the house - it's a useful tool, and not creepy at all.  With the younger children we used to spend ten or fifteen minutes just sat staring at them whilst they slept - now I can do that from another room without the risk of sneezing or coughing and waking them up.

As to the general trends, there is a pressure on parents to have 'perfect' children that wasn't there even twenty years ago when our oldest were infants. The pressure on intellectual development is a product of the economic development where the middle-classes have been lagging and falling into the working class bracket to make one large indistinguishable homogenous stratum of job-fillers for the benefit of the increasingly wealthy.  In order to get out of the morass our children will need to have something that makes them exceptional; with the advent of AI, the classically computational intelligence isn't likely to be it.

The other pressure on children is growing up in permanent, indelible, recorded view of the whole world - social media isn't a tool for the newer generations, it's as intrinsic as computers or telecommunications are to our generation, and to not be conversant with them is to deliberately exclude yourself from a significant part of life; we're going to have to develop how we deal with that as we grow with it, everyone's learning as they go.

O.