Author Topic: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear  (Read 697 times)

Sassy

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Christmas crackers jokes...

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!


Can whoever keeps removing the thread please stop it.
We know we have to work together to abolish war and terrorism to create a compassionate  world in which Justice and peace prevail. Love ;D   Einstein
 "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

Sassy

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
We know we have to work together to abolish war and terrorism to create a compassionate  world in which Justice and peace prevail. Love ;D   Einstein
 "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

Hope

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Can whoever keeps removing the thread please stop it.
Ask the mods to pin the thread.  That way it should remain.  However, could it be being got rid of because of its seasonal, as opposed to permanent nature?
Are your, or your friends'/relatives', garages, lofts or sheds full of unused DIY gear, sewing/knitting machines or fabric and haberdashery stuff?

Lists of what is needed and a search engine to find your nearest collector (scroll to bottom for latter) are here:  http://www.twam.uk/donate-tools

Gordon

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Can whoever keeps removing the thread please stop it.

Moderator:

Nobody specifically removed your thread, Sass - it would have been culled during routine maintenance if it hadn't been posted to for a while, which is the fate of most threads that fall into disuse: so you'll just need to keep the jokes coming  :) 

Shaker

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Better ones, I hope  ;)
Confucius say: only when mosquito land on testicles does man learn to solve problem without violence.

Trentvoyager

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They don't come better than this:

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Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause."
Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause"
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider.

Jeremy Kaplowitz

Gonnagle

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Dear Trent,

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They don't come better than this:

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Hello room service, send me up a couple of rooms

The Marx bros, sublime.

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Ain't it funny how there's always the money.....

FOR WAR.

Yeah!! ain't it >:( >:(

Gonnagle.

http://www.barnardos.org.uk/shop/shop-search.htm

http://www.twam.uk/donate-tools

Go on make a difference, have a rummage in your attic or garage.

Sassy

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Wishful thinking man trying to make God to be like himself. :)

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don�t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck�n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don�t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn�t help mutter, "Oh fuck�" The priest said, "That�s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed"
We know we have to work together to abolish war and terrorism to create a compassionate  world in which Justice and peace prevail. Love ;D   Einstein
 "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

Sassy

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 ;D


Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?". The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years" "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord." St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?" He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord". "Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter." "Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden  scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?". "Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a  performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

We know we have to work together to abolish war and terrorism to create a compassionate  world in which Justice and peace prevail. Love ;D   Einstein
 "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

Owlswing

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Paddy is walking along the street leading his donkey when the donkey has a massive coronary and dies, keeled over in the middle of a busy street.

To Paddy's horror he nothices that the dead donkey is sporting a huge (even for a donkey) erection. Paddy quickly whips out his pocket knife and cuts off the offending organ, rolls it up and stuffs it in his pocket and wanders off trying very hard to look nonchalant.

Walking past a high brick wall, Paddy pulls the donkey's cock from his pocket, lobs it over the wall, and heads for the pub and a well deserved Guinness or four.

Unfortunately, unknown to Paddy, the wall over which the erection had flown belonged to the local convent and the flung penis has landed upon the path around which the nuns took their exercise, and it is not long before one of the sisters spots said object. Hitching up her robes she runs (in a most unseemly fashion for a nun) back into the convent and straight to the Mother Superiors office.

After banging on the door and receiving permission to enter she takes a deep breath and says "Mother Superior, come out into the garden quickly, come and see what the murderin' Protestant bastards have done to Father O'Connor!"   
If there must be trouble let it be in my time that my children may have peace. Thomas Payne

An it harm none, do what you will; an it harm some do what you must!

Sassy

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Re: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear
« Reply #10 on: December 24, 2016, 06:16:51 AM »
Christmas crackers jokes...

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!
We know we have to work together to abolish war and terrorism to create a compassionate  world in which Justice and peace prevail. Love ;D   Einstein
 "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

Sassy

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Re: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear
« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2016, 06:21:34 AM »
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?



Krisp Kringle!


Two years since this thread started this month and amazingly it is still here.  ;D

What's the most popular Christmas wine?  (whine)lol


'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'



We know we have to work together to abolish war and terrorism to create a compassionate  world in which Justice and peace prevail. Love ;D   Einstein
 "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

SqueakyVoice

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Re: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear
« Reply #12 on: December 24, 2016, 08:08:42 PM »

Two years since this thread started this month and amazingly it is still here.  ;D
Well, this thread started in December 2015, so that's one year.

And now, it's December 2016, so that's two years.

Yep. There's definitely something amazing about that...
« Last Edit: December 24, 2016, 08:11:45 PM by SqueakyVoice »
"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be." - D Adams

jeremyp

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Re: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear
« Reply #13 on: December 25, 2016, 10:48:55 AM »
Well, this thread started in December 2015, so that's one year.

And now, it's December 2016, so that's two years.

Yep. There's definitely something amazing about that...
It's a bit like counting Friday evening to Sunday morning as three days.
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Nearly Sane

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Re: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear
« Reply #14 on: December 25, 2016, 11:17:02 AM »
Christmas crackers jokes...

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!


Can whoever keeps removing the thread please stop it.
Christmas crackers jokes...

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

Repeats at Christmas
« Last Edit: December 25, 2016, 11:21:06 AM by Nearly Sane »

Sebastian Toe

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Re: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear
« Reply #15 on: December 25, 2016, 12:33:32 PM »
Repeats at Christmas
And that's a FACT!
"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends.'
Albert Einstein

Sassy

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Re: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear
« Reply #16 on: December 25, 2016, 11:40:29 PM »
Well, this thread started in December 2015, so that's one year.

And now, it's December 2016, so that's two years.

Yep. There's definitely something amazing about that...

2015 is one year and 2016 is two years.

It was in it's second year technically having reached 1 year old on the 4th December so now in it's second year on the 24th December. 1 year one day.   I have to laugh because I phrased it incorrectly admitted. It is in it's second year but I had only had  a few hours sleep and it was 6am ish. So I can be forgiven as a carer with very little sleep for any blips due to tiredness.

I love how people hang around waiting for me to make an error.
But you have admit my errors are not due to ignorance of the subject  like so many of those people waiting to  pounce who write posts full of errors because of lack of knowledge regarding Christianity. It isn't an excuse it is just a fact and I really feel that you know who you are and you know I am right.

 :) :-*

We know we have to work together to abolish war and terrorism to create a compassionate  world in which Justice and peace prevail. Love ;D   Einstein
 "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."

Sassy

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Re: funny stories and Jokes....(which we hope will not mysteriously disappear
« Reply #17 on: December 25, 2016, 11:41:51 PM »
Life is full of repeats. The trick is not to make the same repeats of errors over and over again.
We know we have to work together to abolish war and terrorism to create a compassionate  world in which Justice and peace prevail. Love ;D   Einstein
 "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."