Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.  (Read 25350 times)

Littleroses

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #300 on: March 26, 2019, 02:56:48 PM »
I'm stealing that.


I stole it first. ;D
“What seems like a good idea at the time, more often than not bites the dust spectacularly” RJG

ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #301 on: March 26, 2019, 04:49:12 PM »
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Littleroses

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #302 on: March 26, 2019, 05:21:38 PM »
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "so perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."


Good one! ;D
“What seems like a good idea at the time, more often than not bites the dust spectacularly” RJG

Phyllis Tyne

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #303 on: March 26, 2019, 06:14:54 PM »
Richard Dawkins is being chased through the woods by a pack of hungry bears.
Not wishing to compromise his non belief he thinks up a wizard plan.
''Almighty God,'' shouts Dawkins ''I cannot convert but you could turn these bears into Christians.''
God grants Dawkins his wish but rather than let Dawkins go one of the bears pins the Good Doctor to the floor with his foot, puts his front paws together, closes his eyes and says...……..''For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful.''
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bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #304 on: March 28, 2019, 03:49:56 PM »
Earlier in a charity shop I bought a Jehova's Witness advent calendar. When I got it home though every little door I opened just said F*** OFF!
"To understand via the heart is not to understand."

Michel de Montaigne

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #305 on: March 29, 2019, 04:20:35 PM »
Nothing rhymes with oranges, "No it doesn't".

Littleroses

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #306 on: April 12, 2019, 08:15:54 AM »
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve, it was an Apple, but with a limited memory, one byte and it crashed.
“What seems like a good idea at the time, more often than not bites the dust spectacularly” RJG

Samuel

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #307 on: April 18, 2019, 12:01:51 PM »
Do you remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject? mention botox now and nobody raises an eyebrow
A lot of people don't believe that the loch ness monster exists. Now, I don't know anything about zooology, biology, geology, herpetology, evolutionary theory, evolutionary biology, marine biology, cryptozoology, palaeontology or archaeology... but I think... what if a dinosaur got into the lake?

Littleroses

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #308 on: April 18, 2019, 12:28:25 PM »
Do you remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject? mention botox now and nobody raises an eyebrow



HA!HA! I think people who inflict botox on themselves are crazy, they often look worse than before they did so.
“What seems like a good idea at the time, more often than not bites the dust spectacularly” RJG

Sebastian Toe

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #309 on: April 18, 2019, 12:47:37 PM »

HA!HA! I think people who inflict botox on themselves are crazy, they often look worse than before they did so.
Botox, in the beauty industry,is never frowned on!
"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends.'
Albert Einstein

bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #310 on: April 18, 2019, 12:51:22 PM »
I've just come back from a barging holiday.

I didn't have a boat or anything, I just like shoving people in canals...

(Gary Delaney)
"To understand via the heart is not to understand."

Michel de Montaigne

Steve H

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #311 on: May 15, 2019, 07:44:46 AM »
Some rude jokes about nuns. DO NOT READ ON IF YOU'RE LIKELY TO BE OFFENDED! (The first has had me laughing intermittently for 48 hours.)























OK, you've been warned.

Two nuns go shopping. When they get back to the car park, they see the devil jumping up and down on their car. "What shall we do?" says the first nun. "Show him your cross", says the second nun, so the first nun shouts "GET OFF OUR FUCKING CAR, YOU STUPID BASTARD!".

Two nuns are sharing a bath. The first says "Where's the soap?". The second replies "Yes, it does, doesn't it?".

Two nuns are cycling back to the convent. One says "I don't think I've ever come this way before." The second replies "It's the cobblestones."

Notice in convent dormitory: "LIGHTS OUT 10:00. CANDLES OUT 10:30."
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 07:49:14 AM by Steve H »
"That bloke over there, from Ultravox, is so childish."
"Him? Midge Ure?"
"Yes, very."

Walter

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #312 on: May 15, 2019, 05:46:24 PM »
I was accepted into  the British Olympic Gymnastics Team today . Had to bend over backwards to get in though !

Walter

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #313 on: May 24, 2019, 01:47:08 PM »
some Muslims in town have just opened a new café ,

It's called the ALLAHU SNACKBAR

Walter

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #314 on: June 15, 2019, 12:18:41 PM »
Jo Brand should be investigated.....



under the crimes against comedy act !

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #315 on: June 17, 2019, 08:25:17 PM »
Geordie patient: It's me armpits, doctor - they smell of coconuts!

Geordie doctor: Well they're bounty.

Steve H

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #316 on: June 18, 2019, 12:15:43 PM »
What's the fastest food in the world?
Scone!
(You have to say it with the short-o pronunciation.)
"That bloke over there, from Ultravox, is so childish."
"Him? Midge Ure?"
"Yes, very."

Walter

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #317 on: June 18, 2019, 12:26:01 PM »
What's the fastest food in the world?
Scone!
(You have to say it with the short-o pronunciation.)
and pretend you're 5 and never heard it before  ::)

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #318 on: June 18, 2019, 07:02:15 PM »
What's the fastest food in the world?
Scone!
(You have to say it with the short-o pronunciation.)

What's the most annoying food in the World if you are travelling down the motorway.

The answer is the same but you have to use the other pronunciation.
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Walter

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #319 on: June 25, 2019, 12:02:50 AM »
I used to be a male trapped inside a woman's body ;

then I was born  ;D

Sebastian Toe

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #320 on: June 25, 2019, 11:27:09 PM »
I went to the new local grocery store yesterday.
There was a sign on the door "No food or drink inside".
So I returned home.
"The word God is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends.'
Albert Einstein

Steve H

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #321 on: June 26, 2019, 06:53:17 AM »
Andy Murray has won the Queen's doubles competition. The others must have been really rubbish - he doesn't look anything like her.
"That bloke over there, from Ultravox, is so childish."
"Him? Midge Ure?"
"Yes, very."

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #322 on: July 15, 2019, 11:12:06 AM »
I BEFORE E
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #323 on: July 15, 2019, 03:02:14 PM »
I BEFORE E
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.
it doesn't. Weird does.

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #324 on: July 15, 2019, 08:56:46 PM »
I BEFORE E
EXCEPT AFTER C
DISPROVED BY SCIENCE.
Proved by sceince, you mean.
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