Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.  (Read 38813 times)

bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #775 on: September 03, 2020, 03:05:07 PM »
Sign at the local curry house:

"Try our takeaways - you won't get better!"
“Once we assume a creator and a plan, it makes humans objects of a cruel experiment whereby we are created to be sick and commanded to be well.”

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ekim

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #776 on: September 03, 2020, 03:22:46 PM »
There was an advert put in a local newspaper by a small painting and decorating firm...
'You have tried the cowboys.  Now try the Indians'....... Patel Brothers.

bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #777 on: September 03, 2020, 04:45:23 PM »
I just got kicked out of my Facebook flat earth group because I asked if the 2 metre distancing rule had pushed anyone over the edge yet…
“Once we assume a creator and a plan, it makes humans objects of a cruel experiment whereby we are created to be sick and commanded to be well.”

― Christopher Hitchens

Trentvoyager

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #778 on: September 03, 2020, 07:30:30 PM »
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and Boris Johnson went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen:
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said. "Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The Hindu priest said. "I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn."
The rabbi and BoJo were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
"So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal."
The rabbi said." No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn."

The Hindu priest and BoJo were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.

"So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal."
Boris then said. "OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good."

The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in the room, when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there....

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #779 on: September 03, 2020, 08:42:04 PM »
Sign on the stairs at our local railway station: 'Don't run on the stairs use the handrail'.

There's no punctuation on this notice.

bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #780 on: September 04, 2020, 05:32:37 PM »
ipster,

Quote
Sign on the stairs at our local railway station: 'Don't run on the stairs use the handrail'.

There's no punctuation on this notice.

Reminds me of a sign in the local shopping mall: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator."

Where the hell was I supposed to find a dog at that time of night?   
“Once we assume a creator and a plan, it makes humans objects of a cruel experiment whereby we are created to be sick and commanded to be well.”

― Christopher Hitchens

jeremyp

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #781 on: September 07, 2020, 09:37:46 AM »
ipster,

Reminds me of a sign in the local shopping mall: "Dogs must be carried on the escalator."

Where the hell was I supposed to find a dog at that time of night?   

Don't be silly. It means that if you are going to carry a dog, you must do it on the escalator.
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bluehillside Retd.

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #782 on: September 07, 2020, 10:04:48 AM »
A friend of mine's wife just left him, taking his Bob Marley cds and satellite dish with her...

...yep, he has no woman, no Sky.   
“Once we assume a creator and a plan, it makes humans objects of a cruel experiment whereby we are created to be sick and commanded to be well.”

― Christopher Hitchens

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #783 on: September 10, 2020, 01:43:34 PM »
Just a thought, it may not necessarily be a good idea to have memory foam in your shoes, when you think about it!

Blokey McBlokeface

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #784 on: September 12, 2020, 11:28:59 AM »
Mr Frog was ill, so his friend Miss Hen went to the library to get some books for him to pass the time with. She went up to the counter, and said "BOOOOOK book book book book!", so the librarian gave her five books, which she took back to Mr Frog. He looked at them one by one, and said "Read it - read it - read it - read it - read it."
Quhen Rigour sittis in the Tribunall,
The equitie of Law quha may sustene?
Richt few or nane, but mercie gang betwene.
Robert Henrysoun.

Trentvoyager

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #785 on: September 19, 2020, 04:00:04 PM »
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish, but he still can't say please in Spanish.

Which I think is poor for four.

Blokey McBlokeface

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #786 on: September 21, 2020, 11:24:54 AM »
My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish, but he still can't say please in Spanish.

Which I think is poor for four.
In similar vein, three French cats went sailing, but their boat sprang a leak.
Un, deux, trois cats sank.
Quhen Rigour sittis in the Tribunall,
The equitie of Law quha may sustene?
Richt few or nane, but mercie gang betwene.
Robert Henrysoun.

ippy

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #787 on: September 21, 2020, 05:17:26 PM »
This chap fell into a sewer, he couldn't swim so he just went through the motions.

Blokey McBlokeface

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #788 on: September 22, 2020, 11:46:59 AM »
I ordered four Kindles from Amazon. They sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.
Quhen Rigour sittis in the Tribunall,
The equitie of Law quha may sustene?
Richt few or nane, but mercie gang betwene.
Robert Henrysoun.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #789 on: September 23, 2020, 11:02:13 AM »
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage!

Trentvoyager

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #790 on: September 23, 2020, 11:37:11 AM »
I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage!

Oh I like that!

Trentvoyager

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #791 on: September 23, 2020, 12:51:59 PM »
Dr Watson, I appear to have mud on my shoes.

No shit Sherlock.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #792 on: September 24, 2020, 08:58:32 AM »
'I guess the only way to have Christmas this year is to kill the turkey and have 30 people round for the funeral'


Trentvoyager

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #793 on: September 26, 2020, 09:01:27 AM »
My old Dad used to say:

"The first rule of theatre is leave them wanting more"

Lovely bloke - terrible anaesthetist.

Blokey McBlokeface

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #794 on: September 28, 2020, 08:51:27 AM »
Can circumcisions be done at any age, or is there a cut-off age?
Quhen Rigour sittis in the Tribunall,
The equitie of Law quha may sustene?
Richt few or nane, but mercie gang betwene.
Robert Henrysoun.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #795 on: October 05, 2020, 07:54:32 AM »
Mansplaining is correctile dysfunction

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #796 on: October 07, 2020, 12:58:50 AM »
From Matt a few days ago: "World leaders have sent their best wishes (to Donald Trump). Vladimir Putin says he will take care of the election".

Blokey McBlokeface

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #797 on: October 07, 2020, 05:29:47 PM »
Back in January, my next-door neighbours erected a marquee in their garden, complete with flashing, coloured lights and funky music. I asked them what they were doing. They replied "Now is the winter of our disco tent".
Quhen Rigour sittis in the Tribunall,
The equitie of Law quha may sustene?
Richt few or nane, but mercie gang betwene.
Robert Henrysoun.

Nearly Sane

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #798 on: October 07, 2020, 07:02:37 PM »
Seen elsewhere triggered by our latest shut down

'Thankfully in Scotland we all trained in our youths for the upcoming winter of discontent by drinking alcohol in dark parks, hillsides, bushes and lanes aged 13-18 in baltic conditions. We didn’t then know we were in training. But now is the day, and now is the hour.'

Spud

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Re: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny.
« Reply #799 on: October 08, 2020, 01:33:59 PM »
Seen elsewhere triggered by our latest shut down

'Thankfully in Scotland we all trained in our youths for the upcoming winter of discontent by drinking alcohol in dark parks, hillsides, bushes and lanes aged 13-18 in baltic conditions. We didn’t then know we were in training. But now is the day, and now is the hour.'
In our youth we had to run down the lane, up the hill, round the park, and through the bushes.