Funerals that have to be a laugh

[Anchorman]

I've been to far too many funerals - and conducted some as well. The body in the box may be centre stage, but the funeral is there for the family, usually the closest relatives. It's their show. If they want to demonstrate their love and devotion for their loved one in laughter, or in tears, using hymns ancient and modern, or rock anthems, wearing black, purple or whatever, then that's their way of coping with their loss. If I'm conducting, I'll allow anything within reason....bad language or similar acts in a church setting would be out; apart from that, as long as thwere is dignity and compassion in the service, that's fine by me. I want folk to walk out of church, or leave a crematorium or graveside with some memories of the day which will help them cope in the days, weeks and months which will s urely follow.

[Robbie]

That - is - a - lovely post, Anchorman. Wish you were 'down here' & could conduct my family and friends' funerals  , you're a gem.

[Nearly Sane]

I've been to far too many funerals - and conducted some as well. The body in the box may be centre stage, but the funeral is there for the family, usually the closest relatives. It's their show. If they want to demonstrate their love and devotion for their loved one in laughter, or in tears, using hymns ancient and modern, or rock anthems, wearing black, purple or whatever, then that's their way of coping with their loss. If I'm conducting, I'll allow anything within reason....bad language or similar acts in a church setting would be out; apart from that, as long as thwere is dignity and compassion in the service, that's fine by me. I want folk to walk out of church, or leave a crematorium or graveside with some memories of the day which will help them cope in the days, weeks and months which will s urely follow.

Lovely post

[jeremyp]

Experience of people refusing to show any emotion except laughter and yes close relatives and friends and hearing a number of people say they want everyone to have a laugh at their own.
Why the fear of mourning or displaying grief?

Why the fear of having a good time? Everybody has to die at some point, it's part of life. When somebody whose body has basically said "enough" dies at a "ripe old age" why should their funeral be an exercise in seeing how sad everybody can be? Celebrate their life.

[Robbie]

Most funerals are celebrations of a life & if someone has had a fairly long, good life, it's not terribly sad - but not all are like that. Some people die tragically young or unexpectedly such as result of an accident.
My view is if I go to a funeral of someone I don't know that well but know their relatives and go out of support of them (colleagues for example), I will be fairly quiet and respect their grief.

[floo]

I have no wish to attend anymore funerals. My husband doesn't want one if he goes first, and I am more than happy to comply with his wishes.

[Robbie]

I do understand how you feel LR, when my cousin died at eighteen (I was sixteen, she was like an elder sister), it was so dreadfully sad and I remember saying to my parents I never wanted to go to another funeral - but of course I did.

Sometimes close friends who lose a parent or sibling - or anyone - like and appreciate a friend to come to the funeral. No-one has to stay for the entire do - wake, etc - but it is a mark of respect to attend & doesn't hurt.

One of my neighbours whom I know quite well have just been bereaved; they are Jewish and his (Ben's) father died at 83. His wife Sue (Suzanne) told me this morning that as soon as his he heard his dad died he found a plane flight to Israel because they usually do burial within 24 hours where parents and siblings lived, unless there is post mortem. Sue told me Ben felt guilty about not being there but I said to her that someone could live around the corner and not be there to which she agreed (her mum was away visiting brother, when her mum died). She couldn't go because of work and kids but I know how much they absolutely adored his dad, lots of Israel holidays & parents and family came here.

Had 'dad' been here I would have sat and joined in with mourning, it differs according to Jewish traditions, and I feel very sad for Ben - but he'll move on. Yet I feel their grief.

Sometimes it's important to go to a funeral even if you don't feel like doing it.

[floo]

I do understand how you feel LR, when my cousin died at eighteen (I was sixteen, she was like an elder sister), it was so dreadfully sad and I remember saying to my parents I never wanted to go to another funeral - but of course I did.

Sometimes close friends who lose a parent or sibling - or anyone - like and appreciate a friend to come to the funeral. No-one has to stay for the entire do - wake, etc - but it is a mark of respect to attend & doesn't hurt.

One of my neighbours whom I know quite well have just been bereaved; they are Jewish and his (Ben's) father died at 83. His wife Sue (Suzanne) told me this morning that as soon as his he heard his dad died he found a plane flight to Israel because they usually do burial within 24 hours where parents and siblings lived, unless there is post mortem. Sue told me Ben felt guilty about not being there but I said to her that someone could live around the corner and not be there to which she agreed (her mum was away visiting brother, when her mum died). She couldn't go because of work and kids but I know how much they absolutely adored his dad, lots of Israel holidays & parents and family came here.

Had 'dad' been here I would have sat and joined in with mourning, it differs according to Jewish traditions, and I feel very sad for Ben - but he'll move on. Yet I feel their grief.

Sometimes it's important to go to a funeral even if you don't feel like doing it.

Why? I didn't attend my mother's funeral in 2013, that has never bothered me.

[jeremyp]

I have no wish to attend anymore funerals. My husband doesn't want one if he goes first, and I am more than happy to comply with his wishes.

How would the rest of your family feel about that? As Anchorman said in his excellent post, funerals are for those left behind. I've decided not to leave any instructions for my funeral, I'll leave it up to my friends and family.

[floo]

How would the rest of your family feel about that? As Anchorman said in his excellent post, funerals are for those left behind. I've decided not to leave any instructions for my funeral, I'll leave it up to my friends and family.

They would be happy to comply with their Father's wishes. They can put me in the rubbish bin when I kick the bucket I have no wish for any funeral or wake.

[Steve H]

Funerals aren't exactly fun, but I think they're psychologically important, as an opportunity to say goodbye.

[floo]

Funerals aren't exactly fun, but I think they're psychologically important, as an opportunity to say goodbye.

For some maybe, but not for me.

[Rhiannon]

My mother hates funerals so has planned hers already in a way that she thinks will minimise the upset for me based on her feelings about them. But she didn’t actually ask me how I felt and it won’t make life easier at all.

[Rhiannon]

Funerals aren't exactly fun, but I think they're psychologically important, as an opportunity to say goodbye.

Sometimes. Not always.

[jeremyp]

My mother hates funerals so has planned hers already in a way that she thinks will minimise the upset for me based on her feelings about them. But she didn’t actually ask me how I felt and it won’t make life easier at all.

Well as she won't be around to argue, why not do it the way you want? You can even argue that it is what she really would have wanted since her aim is to minimise your upset, even if her plan was wrong.

[Anchorman]

Funerals aren't exactly fun, but I think they're psychologically important, as an opportunity to say goodbye.

Exactly.

LR might not care about her remains, but those left behind will.
They might want to have some sort of commemoration to mark her passing, if only to give them some sort of marker to start the grieving process.

[ippy]

Naturally what I think about funerals is influenced by my relugious beliefs, but the get together afterwards has always been uplifting, especially after my dad's and brother's funerals. They were a good old piss up, remembering and lots of crying and laughing.

Yes A O, there's no formula, I like to think we all do our best to comfort those that have lost loved ones, humour, tears, remembering good things past, hand on the shoulder, very little else you can do, other than this showing of solidarity by being there.   

Regards ippy

[Robbie]

Just shows how different we all are.

I can't imagine not going to the funeral of a young man aged 25 who died with no apparent cause (SADS). I had liked him and his parents and sister but hadn't seen any of them since he was about 12, he lived nearby then and he and sister played with my kids. They moved away, we just kept in touch with Christmas cards after that, not great friends but thought of them all fondly. Expect many of us have acquaintances like that.

When his mother telephoned me about his death I never thought twice about going to the funeral and helped her on the day, serving people etc after the funeral. It was so very sad but they were all glad I went even tho' couldn't do much & left fairly early during the wake. We still keep in touch.  I doubt his parents have ever really got over it tho' they had to do well for their gorgeous daughter.

Writing this makes me think I might make an effort to go and see them soon - they're not that far away.

However I think some funerals are quite traumatising for some mourners and that shapes their views. No idea about LR who has only been to four,amazing for someone who is - don't know how old - but well in late fifties at least.

[Rhiannon]

Well as she won't be around to argue, why not do it the way you want? You can even argue that it is what she really would have wanted since her aim is to minimise your upset, even if her plan was wrong.

As I understand it she’s literally arranged it. I think it’s all paid for and I’m assuming there are instructions in her will.

The part that I think will be left to me will be arranging a memorial service in London. Her friends will be mortified if they don’t get to mark her life and from what I can gather she has made it clear that no one is to go to the actual funeral.

I’m half tempted to buy a cardboard coffin for her, paint it with flowers and poetry and have a woodland burial complete with shamanic drumming.*

*Actually that’s how I want to go, with copious quantities of mead.

[floo]

Just shows how different we all are.

I can't imagine not going to the funeral of a young man aged 25 who died with no apparent cause (SADS). I had liked him and his parents and sister but hadn't seen any of them since he was about 12, he lived nearby then and he and sister played with my kids. They moved away, we just kept in touch with Christmas cards after that, not great friends but thought of them all fondly. Expect many of us have acquaintances like that.

When his mother telephoned me about his death I never thought twice about going to the funeral and helped her on the day, serving people etc after the funeral. It was so very sad but they were all glad I went even tho' couldn't do much & left fairly early during the wake. We still keep in touch.  I doubt his parents have ever really got over it tho' they had to do well for their gorgeous daughter.

Writing this makes me think I might make an effort to go and see them soon - they're not that far away.

However I think some funerals are quite traumatising for some mourners and that shapes their views. No idea about LR who has only been to four,amazing for someone who is - don't know how old - but well in late fifties at least.

How kind, I am 68 actually.

[Harrowby Hall]

This subject came up on the religious magazine programme on Radio 4 this morning. Funeral directors report that more and more customers are going "straight to  cremation" perhaps with a later event celebrating the life of the dead person.

My understanding (there was a mention of it in the item) is that the modern concept of a funeral is largely a Victorian invention. What is so special about having a dead body in a locked box in a church?

[floo]

This subject came up on the religious magazine programme on Radio 4 this morning. Funeral directors report that more and more customers are going "straight to  cremation" perhaps with a later event celebrating the life of the dead person.

My understanding (there was a mention of it in the item) is that the modern concept of a funeral is largely a Victorian invention. What is so special about having a dead body in a locked box in a church?

You can have a cremation without any ceremony I believe, which is what my husband and I would opt for.

[Bramble]

As I understand it she’s literally arranged it. I think it’s all paid for and I’m assuming there are instructions in her will.

The part that I think will be left to me will be arranging a memorial service in London. Her friends will be mortified if they don’t get to mark her life and from what I can gather she has made it clear that no one is to go to the actual funeral.

I’m half tempted to buy a cardboard coffin for her, paint it with flowers and poetry and have a woodland burial complete with shamanic drumming.*

*Actually that’s how I want to go, with copious quantities of mead.

My mother died last year and she'd left a fully paid up funeral plan for herself, to make life easier for me. She always maintained she didn't want any fuss and despite being a committed Christian this meant no church service, just a cremation, followed by tea and biscuits at her bungalow afterwards. I felt quite relieved as I'm not really one for events, and as an only child I'd have to sort everything out, but when the time came it just didn't feel right. She'd been a church person all her life and she'd arranged a terrific funeral and wake for my father when he died. I also realised that her friends in the church community hoped for something more traditional to send her on her way. So in the end we had a church funeral followed by refreshments in a side chapel organised by one of the church ladies and then the cremation, which we didn't attend. It was a strange time for me as I was never quite sure who I was doing all this for. My mother was past caring and this wasn't what she'd asked for, I'm not churchy and hate rituals and gatherings of all sorts, and I didn't know her friends anyway. But it seemed the right thing to do and in the end everyone felt that it worked out very well. The decisions somehow made themselves and I felt more like a passenger than the person in the driving seat, but that felt appropriate too. When my time comes I'd like to be left somewhere for the buzzards and foxes, though they'd probably find me a bit stringy. But really funerals are for the living and it seems right to leave them to do whatever they feel comfortable with.

I should enjoy that mead while you still can. You won't be able to take it with you! My OH, who's a beekeeper, makes lots of the stuff from her honey but sadly I never get offered much of it. She hoards it as it gets better with age and she wins prizes for it all over the country. Last year she was awarded first in one of the biggest shows in the UK and was given an enormous mead horn, decorated with silver and fully a metre long! I do get to drink her honey beer though, for which she also regularly wins firsts.

[Steve H]

My understanding (there was a mention of it in the item) is that the modern concept of a funeral is largely a Victorian invention. What is so special about having a dead body in a locked box in a church?

Pretty sure that's bollocks. The Christian churches have always offered funerals.

[ippy]

Pretty sure that's bollocks. The Christian churches have always offered funerals.

I think It's whatever brings some comfort to those left behind, the christian churches can offer whatever they like, you don't have to take up their offerings Steve, sure as anything the ones in the boxes won't be bothered, either way.

Regards ippy.