Sometimes the conversations here turn to sexual violence. Sometimes they turn to the harassment or abuse of women. Sometimes abuse in general. Sometimes a conversation not directly connected to it may bring up discussion around it, such as when discussing the need for forgiveness and carrying the burden of the sins of another.
Because I’ve been sexually assaulted, I’ve been raped and because I’ve been in an abusive relationship I will often refer to my experiences in these discussions. I only found my voice on the first two in the last couple of years; before that I didn’t know how to talk about them without blaming myself or feeling ashamed. Now that I am able to speak about it I do so just because I believe that it fosters understanding. The more voices that are heard, the more stories that are told, the better. My story is quite mild in many ways and there are far, far harder ones to hear. I think if anything I expected it in the atmosphere of cat calls and constant groping that I grew up in. And I’m ok.
I am angry though. Angry that some strange attitudes still exist. Angry that a woman’s underwear can be displayed in court as proof pf her consent. Angry that I still have conversations with men who say that a woman is to blame for rape if she dresses a certain way, or who believes rape doesn’t really happen often because you can’t penetrate a woman who is kicking and screaming. Angry that so few women feel able to report rape and that conviction rates are tiny. Angry that rape threats are the norm on social media. Angry that I have to fear for my girls. Sometimes my rage transfers here, I know that. I bring things up because I want to get people to think, to question the assumptions that they make. But then I get accused of feminism by numbers. Or, as Robbie accused me of last night, making it all ‘personal’.
Well, rape is a personal crime. It isn’t victimless. It’s not the same as someone stealing a car or your wallet, however personal that feels. It’s someone taking your body and wanting to hurt through control. Sexual assault is similar. Domestic abuse is the ultimate power trip. And a lot of us here have our personal stories of these crimes in one form or another. Maybe in finding my voice finally I won’t shut up about it. Maybe that makes people uncomfortable. I don’t know.
I thought that my anger and my rage and my honesty might make a difference. But over the last few days I’ve realised it doesn’t. There’s no point and all that happens is that I get angrier with nowhere for that to go. Things won't change. I’m going silent.
