Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 255054 times)

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #925 on:** February 14, 2021, 12:27:49 PM »

It's a year to the day that my partner fainted onto the baggage carousel at Gatwick airport. It took a while but he eventually came around.

Steve H · « **Reply #926 on:** February 14, 2021, 02:56:59 PM »

I paid a carpenter to make me a double bed, but he's done a bunk.
It's just one thing on top of another.

bluehillside Retd · « **Reply #927 on:** February 17, 2021, 10:56:26 AM »

A tip in case you get sunburnt this summer: take Viagra. It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off your legs…

Walt Zingmatilder · « **Reply #928 on:** February 18, 2021, 01:24:15 PM »

I opened the medicine cabinet and several containers of omega3 fell on my head.
I'm ok. I received superfishoil injuries.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #929 on:** February 22, 2021, 12:46:41 PM »

Who used the internet before it was cool?

Httpsters

Spud · « **Reply #930 on:** February 23, 2021, 10:23:57 AM »

Stan Laurel: I'm afraid Mr Hardy's not here at the moment. He's got a job in a Swiss cheese factory, putting the holes in.

(From the film Stan and Ollie)

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #931 on:** February 23, 2021, 04:18:13 PM »

'Just been chased down the street by a maniacal cardio-vascular surgeon brandishing a scalpel - a man after my own heart.'

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #932 on:** February 26, 2021, 05:27:10 AM »

Accidentally added Matt Hancock as a friend on Facebook. Long story short but just been awarded 5 govt contracts.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #933 on:** February 26, 2021, 08:29:54 AM »

I was asked to name two structures that hold water. I thought well dam

bluehillside Retd · « **Reply #934 on:** February 26, 2021, 05:03:29 PM »

A friend of mine has just been hospitalised with food poisoning. Turns out his favourite curry house was substituting daffodil bulbs for onions in the bhajis, and they’re poisonous apparently.

How is he?

Not too bad thanks – he’s a bit yellow, but he should be out in the Spring…

Steve H · « **Reply #935 on:** February 26, 2021, 10:49:53 PM »

I met will.i.am's grumpy Yorkshire cousin recently - will.i.eckerslike.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #936 on:** March 06, 2021, 02:01:56 PM »

Nelson was 5ft 6” tall, but the statue on his column is 17ft 4”... That’s Horatio of about 3:1

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #937 on:** March 09, 2021, 01:36:19 PM »

Stephen Colbert: it is never good when the British ruling class thinks you are too dark. They steal your land and make you play cricket.

bluehillside Retd · « **Reply #938 on:** March 09, 2021, 02:16:26 PM »

So Piers Morgan stormed off the set of Good Morning Britain today for being called out on his appalling comments about Meghan & Harry.

He’s like a one-armed butler that guy: he can dish it out, but he can’t take it…

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #939 on:** March 15, 2021, 08:31:03 AM »

At last. I start a new job today making periscopes. Things are looking up.

bluehillside Retd · « **Reply #940 on:** March 15, 2021, 11:23:20 AM »

Me on a first date…

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m trying to get rid of all cancers.

Me: Wow – that’s impressive.

Her: Yes – and then I plan to move on to the sagittarians …

Roses · « **Reply #941 on:** March 18, 2021, 11:20:59 AM »

PTSD = Post-Trump Stress Disorder according to his niece, Mary Trump!

Aruntraveller · « **Reply #942 on:** March 19, 2021, 07:10:11 PM »

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
A nurse asks them what blood groups they are.
"I'm probably a type O," says the rabbit.

Sebastian Toe · « **Reply #943 on:** March 19, 2021, 08:01:11 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on March 19, 2021, 07:10:11 PM

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
A nurse asks them what blood groups they are.
"I'm probably a type O," says the rabbit.

...very bunny

Harrowby Hall · « **Reply #944 on:** March 20, 2021, 09:18:34 AM »

Quote from: Sebastian Toe on March 19, 2021, 08:01:11 PM

...very bunny

Hare, hare!

Walt Zingmatilder · « **Reply #945 on:** March 20, 2021, 09:28:54 AM »

What do you call a man with rabbits up his bum?

Warren.

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #946 on:** March 26, 2021, 03:52:45 PM »

There have been 5 F1 drivers with Scottish towns in their name, Johnny Dumfries, Lewis Hamilton, Stirling Moss, Eddie Irvine and Ayr Town Centre

Robbie · « **Reply #947 on:** March 27, 2021, 11:10:30 PM »

Quote from: Trentvoyager on February 14, 2021, 12:27:49 PM

It's a year to the day that my partner fainted onto the baggage carousel at Gatwick airport. It took a while but he eventually came around.

I took that seriously and was trying to work out what was funny - then the penny dropped. I laughed so much I got a stitch!

Nearly Sane · « **Reply #948 on:** March 29, 2021, 03:50:33 PM »

My friends have suggested that we go camping after lockdown ends , so I have spent the morning making a list of everything I need...

1) New Friends

bluehillside Retd · « **Reply #949 on:** March 30, 2021, 02:09:24 PM »

Me in the pet shop today: "Have you got any chameleons?"

Assistant: "I've got no effin' idea."

News:

Author Topic: More jokes please, good or bad as long as they're funny. (Read 255054 times)